I WANT TO WRITE. THE COMPUTER WONT LET ME. i had a good day with good people long story short.

why not.

i feel like writing poetry.
making something beautiful.
something to make one understand how i am feeling.
something to make one feel how i am feeling.
but really,
how do i feel?
i feel as if i was thrown into this windowless room of mine,
i lay down on my bed,
shut off all the lights,
and was wisped away by the amazing and terrifying emotions in this dark isolation.
in other words. i feel nice. not amazing, not awful,
just a comfortable numbness of a smile.

sounds like your done with me.

i fucking hope not.

What the fuck

last night was fucked. the parts i remember at least. the hurst was a drunk mess and it got pretty frusterating. alex is amazing. by far the most sincere person ive ever met. shes an amazing friend. i didnt like the shit i heard when i woke up this morning. i hope its all just a big joke. if it isnt, i deserve whatever consequence is given.i miss you chilog. i had a great time with you thursday. i love you baby. with all my heart and im sorry for acting so distant. its just how i feel lately. distant. like im watching my life happen. when im with you thats different and i crave the moments where i can genuinly smile. love you.

Counciling

i was in the class at my school again yesterday. it actually helps. i enjoy being able to share freely especially with close friends in the room.
after school i went to the dentist after smoking some weed. i got laughing gas there. shittt! biggest trip of my life.
ive had laughing gas before but never high. i was just lying there. secluded in my thoughts. thinking about how perfect my life would be if i just stopped this nonsence with drugs that'l get me nowhere. im sure now that im ready to stop. new years will be my last day. im moving in with my dad after that and ill pretty much have no choice. ive decided that after new years no more burning at school. i never really put an effort into it but im sure if i did i could do it. ill just lay back with jason. he has amazing self control which really blows my mind. hopefully with his help i can accomplish that much. but i need your help too. you've helped me get this far and without you, id probably be fucked right now. I CANT FUCKING WAIT. im seeing you today. it blows my mind how its been more than a week without seeing your smile. do me a favour? today, hold my hand and never let go. i love you chilog, and i know that together were invincible.

Diary Of An Orchid Hunter

I picked up a discarded newspaper on a bench in the station today.
an article about a man.
this man gave up his life. his job, his home, his money, his friends.
he moved from Australia to a small village in the Philippians.
he did so in order to explore the rainforest in search of beautiful orchids.
its funny how poetic a mans life can be.
this man gave up everything in order to admire the beauty of a flower.
how simple.
how peaceful.
how beautiful it must be to live a life of nothing but the clothes on your back,
a few dollars from an early retirement fund, and the simplistic beauty of a flower.
what i wouldn't give, to give everything.
leave it all behind. all of it. the worrys, the tears, the nights spent dwelling on the days past, dreading the days to come.
and instead, wake up. look around and feel no stress. live life based on the one source of beauty i need.
you.

If only you understood how deep in i am

maybe you would let me get help.

shit, maybe you would help.

maybe you would care.

but i know you could never care.

what am i?

the piece of shit son.

over and over i hear the words "I have 2 sons and a daughter. your dead to me"

my brothers are the perfect little angels.

and then theres me.

im not addicted to drugs.

im addicted to being happy.

thats all i want.

to be happy.

whether its by drugs, money, sex it doesnt matter.

but those things no longer make me happy.

you do.

im sorry i couldn't call you. my mom took all the phones in the house away.

i wish i could tell my mom whats going on. 

that its not just a little weed.

its not just skipping class to smoke a joint.

im not failing because im stoned. shit i do good high.

im failing because the rooms constantly spinning.

the letters of my textbooks rearrange themselves to spell out the names of what i need.

my teacher sounds like the adults from charlie brown.

my friends are just other blank souls drifting in this bleak oblivion we call life.

i dont call this life.

and still, even with everything so wrong thats going on.

I love my life.

because you are my life.

 

...

the other day was perfect. i wouldnt have traded it for the world.  it tears me apart that i didnt get to see you today. i miss you.
my dads fucked. hes getting more and more sick. We almost got in an accident today kuz he started puking while we were in the car.
i have dreams. messed up dreams. about you. about life. everything. come back into my life and make everything perfect again. at least for a minute

fuck this.

i pretty much got permission to do what ive wanted to do for a very long time. "march 13th, when your 16 i dont give a fuck where you are as long as ur not here" says my ever loving father.
4 long fucking months and then im fucking out of here.

its been a while.

alots gone down lately. i have a 32 average in school. fuck.
two nights ago was a fucking nightmare. pull back. connect.
"get up pussy! you think your a fucking man? get the fuck up and fight me"
stand up. wait. connection. stomach. down again.
no tears.
no tears.
no tears.
"get the fuck up you peice of shit, you punk!"
stand up. wait. connection. ribs. one more. ribs. down again.
spit hits the side of my face. i dont have enough left in me to even wipe it off. crawl into the bed in the corner of my one fucking bedroom apartment. no privacy. i lie there shaking.
the next day was amazing. i got to see you. thank god. for the few hours i got to see you i forgot about the pain, the bruises, the night before. it was just me and you and nothing else.
you save me from this fucking bullshit life im getting so sick of.
today im sore. it hurts when i breath. i needa get out. away. somewhere where i dont have to deal with this bullshit.
im making this vow to myself today. im gunna graduate highschool, and then get the fuck out. leave. i dont know where, but i sure as hell know that it isnt gunna be this shitty little one bedroom apartment filled to the brim of anger and a dad who thinks he understands but really doesnt.
it sure as hell isnt gunna be that bungalow with a drunk mom who acts like she cares about me when she really just cares about the next rich bald guy shes gunna bone and rob so she can buy more liquer.
hey mom, wheres all that fucking child support that should be going to me? sorry? you dont know where $2000 per month PER FUCKING KID went? and you still need the fucking money out of my fucking bank account? you steal money that i work for then you go in my fucking room and steal money that i owe? FUCK YOU!
im getting out. im getting out soon. come along? escape with me? i know your not enjoying home. dare i call it home? its a house. a shell protecting you from rain and cold. come with me. weel make a home. an asylum from the worlds sick corruption. a shelter from the bitter sweet taste of the human population. an eternity of existance in eachothers arms. save me. i need you to pull me out. im in deep and i need your help. we've already made it this far. give me some time and i promise i'll get better. we'll get better. light up the darkness of this bleak existance chilog. i promise, i'll make it worth your while. i love you.

im sorry

i want to be the one to put that beautiful smile on your face. i waited all day to just hold you and i fucked it up. im sorry. please just dont let me effect you negatively. forget about me. i hurt you to much and too often. im sick of upsetting you. it tears me apart. im not worth you being upset. smile chilog. i love you. dont let me any closer. i dont want to hurt you.

Waiting

refresh refresh refresh refresh refresh...
my wrist hurts from holding the phone.
so i sit here.
refresh refresh refresh refresh refresh...
your words make me happier than any of this materialistic shit.
fuck life.
i love you <3

If you can't find something to like, I will.

your beautiful. your smile makes my day if not my week. I'd rather spend one minute on the phone with you, than  hours out with my friends. Just being around you makes me want to melt. I wanna stand in the middle of dundas square and show you off to the world. i want to hold you in my arms and never let you go. you came into my life and changed me. who else has done that? i want to treat you like the princess that you are. you are the light of my life. my star. chilog. i wish i could be everything that you want in a person. because trust me babe. your everything i want.

Shit on my mind. cause im fried.

i dont really know where my life is going right now. shits confusing.
it feels good to have friends. i love all of them including you <3
z's mom just gave me a lift home. home on time for once.
that means i get to see harry potter tomorrow
i feel like were all gunna be really good people when were older.
fuck i wish i knew if i will be as good as i thought i would be. we all have such big dreams and aspirations.  I want to be a music producer. i know how to get there. i know what i need. its simple. i can't do it.
from the hole i've dug myself into, all my dreams seem so far out of reach.
i just found something. about a 2 months ago, i was in a success program at my school ( drug counciling) and i got high for the first time in 4 months there. i smoked a blunts with everybody in the group. 3 pulls. going going gone...
if only i realized that i cant handle myself 40 minutes later when i greened out.
the next day was the first time i did m. i tried months earlier but it didn't work. but this was for real. bugging out in class. i shoulda known that i needa stop there. two days in.
now its countless tiring days in. i need to stop but i can't. im hurting myself and everyone who cares for me. from the bottom of my heart, from as deep as it can go, im sorry. someone told me today that when i was sober, it made them so happy to see that i was happy with my decisions. i was sitting in a group of friends, and i almost cried. i miss summer. i had such a great summer. i didnt do anything wrong and i was out every night. work in the factory; wake up at 6 and mission to dufferin and langstaff. get off at 4, make my way home but stop at lawrences for a couple hours. every day. weekends i got to sleep in wake up and walk to the store to get a coffee. go out skateboarding and just chill. it was so simple. i was in love and although i wouldn't admit it before, i really loved kayla. she was so sweet and nice. no drugs. she made me so happy and i went and fucked it up. she wanted to give me a second chance. i told her i didn't deserve it.
then ally came along. shit that was fun. i really did love her, but i couldn't deal with the drama. she broke my heart, but i should have seen it coming. the simple days of sobriety.
now im high. and really, i love you. you are so amazing, and although what happened felt right, i knew it was kinda wrong. im lucky to call you a friend. fuck im honored. your the best thing to happen in so long. to long. better than ally. better than kayla. this is genuine. i love you like all the things we said before x a million. i love how you warm my heart and put me at ease. i need to change. because although i love this, its not right for me being in this state. your to amazing and i dont know what to do about it.
well, i hope i gave you something nice to read

Fuck.

Theres nothing i could say at this moment that could change how your feeling. i fucked up. i know exactly what i did and it makes me feel no better. i made you reconsider every truth i've told you. how can you beleive anything i say now? i want to change. i want to be capable of change. but i can't. not without you. please just understand that this wasn't supposed to happen. i wasn't supposed to care. 

drugs.

drugs.

drugs...

thats all i wanted.

now your all i need. and im sorry. i really am, from the bottom of my heart. i'm lonely as ever and it hurts me so much when i hurt you.

last night you told me that we're like a movie.

let's make it have a happy ending <3

Smile

I smile,
As the cold November rain lightly falls,
Washing away what I once was,
Quenching my thirst.
A smile,
My pupils dialate.
I see something I like,
Something I need.
The smile,
The smile that feeds my craving.
The smile that keeps me going.
The smile that makes me wake with a matching smile.
And with that cold November rain,
November love sprouts from that smile,
You make me want to be a better man.
So smile,
You've changed me.

Wow

today i was soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy. holy fuck. its incredible what an hour with you can do for me. i havent felt this good for so long. the empty feeling in my chest is not longer there. today  i felt my heart beat. thats a first. i didnt even feel like i had one for the longest time. theres only one word to describe how you make me feel. extacy... but better. much better :)

Good Morning.

i hope that right now i can put a smile on your face that will stay there until you come to see me today. i want your day to start of good because its easier to stay happy then become happy. i wanna tell you why your special to me. for one, you always have something to say, and i love it. i want to be the person you can tell anything to. im glad that situation works both ways as well. as cheesy as it sounds, your smile melts my heart and i wanna make you as happy as possible.  You understand me. You respect me. You help me.  If i do what you dont want me to do today, thats me throwing all of that away and i understand. that would just be a big fuck you and im not gunna have that happen. i love what we have to much to do that. i want you to know that i want to have what we have forever. and i know its improbable,but nothings impossible. so smile now, be happy today and look at the clock. i am. its 12:01. the day just started, and im counting the minutes til i get to see you bestiee <3

Molly

I find it so much easier to express my feelings with molly. i can and will say how ive been feeling, how ive felt and how i feel at the moment. thats why i like it. because i have so many things i cant deal with so i keep them in my head until i have a "reason" to let it all out. and when all the emotions get to much i can find something else to numb it. but im not afraid to let you know how im feeling. thats why i beleive i can actually try and change now.

today

i realized something. I'm nothing. I am a walking piece of meat occupying space on this planet for the short amount of time i live. if you can call it living at this point. more like existing. i exist to age and create more existence. hopefully life. i wouldn't wish this shit on my worst enemy. as melodramatic as this whole thing sounds, i speak with knowledge of children fighting wars they didn't start. people dying of disease and starvation on a minute to minute basis. i'm not asking for sympathy. im asking for understanding. i exist to grow old and die. but thank god, that i can exist in the same lifetime as someone as amazing as you.

I Wake Up...

with my phone still clutched in my hand from a late night of texting you. first reaction. start texting again. i miss you the instant you leave. you make my life so much easier to deal with. i numb myself to the outside world. but you find a way in. my armor cracked. my defenses breached.  you save me with a sentence and help me live with a syllable. i want to thank you. you are the most beautiful person i have ever met, inside and out. your heart of gold never ceases to amaze me. how you can care for a shell of a human like myself is beyond me.  thank you, for being my light in the darkness. thank you for giving me something to live for.

The Pursuit Of Happiness

money.
drugs.
women.
what the fuck is gunna make me smile

Thinking About Her

The mystery,
Her eyes of pure ecstasy,
Her lips silently singing out everything I'm thinking.
I hold her.
Her heartbeat slows and mine speeds.
My drug.
Let me change your perception, open your eyes to what you have overlooked.
I'm right here,
And thinking about you.