i dont really know where my life is going right now. shits confusing.
it feels good to have friends. i love all of them including you <3
z's mom just gave me a lift home. home on time for once.
that means i get to see harry potter tomorrow
i feel like were all gunna be really good people when were older.
fuck i wish i knew if i will be as good as i thought i would be. we all have such big dreams and aspirations. I want to be a music producer. i know how to get there. i know what i need. its simple. i can't do it.
from the hole i've dug myself into, all my dreams seem so far out of reach.
i just found something. about a 2 months ago, i was in a success program at my school ( drug counciling) and i got high for the first time in 4 months there. i smoked a blunts with everybody in the group. 3 pulls. going going gone...
if only i realized that i cant handle myself 40 minutes later when i greened out.
the next day was the first time i did m. i tried months earlier but it didn't work. but this was for real. bugging out in class. i shoulda known that i needa stop there. two days in.
now its countless tiring days in. i need to stop but i can't. im hurting myself and everyone who cares for me. from the bottom of my heart, from as deep as it can go, im sorry. someone told me today that when i was sober, it made them so happy to see that i was happy with my decisions. i was sitting in a group of friends, and i almost cried. i miss summer. i had such a great summer. i didnt do anything wrong and i was out every night. work in the factory; wake up at 6 and mission to dufferin and langstaff. get off at 4, make my way home but stop at lawrences for a couple hours. every day. weekends i got to sleep in wake up and walk to the store to get a coffee. go out skateboarding and just chill. it was so simple. i was in love and although i wouldn't admit it before, i really loved kayla. she was so sweet and nice. no drugs. she made me so happy and i went and fucked it up. she wanted to give me a second chance. i told her i didn't deserve it.
then ally came along. shit that was fun. i really did love her, but i couldn't deal with the drama. she broke my heart, but i should have seen it coming. the simple days of sobriety.
now im high. and really, i love you. you are so amazing, and although what happened felt right, i knew it was kinda wrong. im lucky to call you a friend. fuck im honored. your the best thing to happen in so long. to long. better than ally. better than kayla. this is genuine. i love you like all the things we said before x a million. i love how you warm my heart and put me at ease. i need to change. because although i love this, its not right for me being in this state. your to amazing and i dont know what to do about it.
well, i hope i gave you something nice to read
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