I WANT TO WRITE. THE COMPUTER WONT LET ME. i had a good day with good people long story short.

why not.

i feel like writing poetry.
making something beautiful.
something to make one understand how i am feeling.
something to make one feel how i am feeling.
but really,
how do i feel?
i feel as if i was thrown into this windowless room of mine,
i lay down on my bed,
shut off all the lights,
and was wisped away by the amazing and terrifying emotions in this dark isolation.
in other words. i feel nice. not amazing, not awful,
just a comfortable numbness of a smile.

sounds like your done with me.

i fucking hope not.

What the fuck

last night was fucked. the parts i remember at least. the hurst was a drunk mess and it got pretty frusterating. alex is amazing. by far the most sincere person ive ever met. shes an amazing friend. i didnt like the shit i heard when i woke up this morning. i hope its all just a big joke. if it isnt, i deserve whatever consequence is given.i miss you chilog. i had a great time with you thursday. i love you baby. with all my heart and im sorry for acting so distant. its just how i feel lately. distant. like im watching my life happen. when im with you thats different and i crave the moments where i can genuinly smile. love you.

Counciling

i was in the class at my school again yesterday. it actually helps. i enjoy being able to share freely especially with close friends in the room.
after school i went to the dentist after smoking some weed. i got laughing gas there. shittt! biggest trip of my life.
ive had laughing gas before but never high. i was just lying there. secluded in my thoughts. thinking about how perfect my life would be if i just stopped this nonsence with drugs that'l get me nowhere. im sure now that im ready to stop. new years will be my last day. im moving in with my dad after that and ill pretty much have no choice. ive decided that after new years no more burning at school. i never really put an effort into it but im sure if i did i could do it. ill just lay back with jason. he has amazing self control which really blows my mind. hopefully with his help i can accomplish that much. but i need your help too. you've helped me get this far and without you, id probably be fucked right now. I CANT FUCKING WAIT. im seeing you today. it blows my mind how its been more than a week without seeing your smile. do me a favour? today, hold my hand and never let go. i love you chilog, and i know that together were invincible.

Diary Of An Orchid Hunter

I picked up a discarded newspaper on a bench in the station today.
an article about a man.
this man gave up his life. his job, his home, his money, his friends.
he moved from Australia to a small village in the Philippians.
he did so in order to explore the rainforest in search of beautiful orchids.
its funny how poetic a mans life can be.
this man gave up everything in order to admire the beauty of a flower.
how simple.
how peaceful.
how beautiful it must be to live a life of nothing but the clothes on your back,
a few dollars from an early retirement fund, and the simplistic beauty of a flower.
what i wouldn't give, to give everything.
leave it all behind. all of it. the worrys, the tears, the nights spent dwelling on the days past, dreading the days to come.
and instead, wake up. look around and feel no stress. live life based on the one source of beauty i need.
you.

If only you understood how deep in i am

maybe you would let me get help.

shit, maybe you would help.

maybe you would care.

but i know you could never care.

what am i?

the piece of shit son.

over and over i hear the words "I have 2 sons and a daughter. your dead to me"

my brothers are the perfect little angels.

and then theres me.

im not addicted to drugs.

im addicted to being happy.

thats all i want.

to be happy.

whether its by drugs, money, sex it doesnt matter.

but those things no longer make me happy.

you do.

im sorry i couldn't call you. my mom took all the phones in the house away.

i wish i could tell my mom whats going on. 

that its not just a little weed.

its not just skipping class to smoke a joint.

im not failing because im stoned. shit i do good high.

im failing because the rooms constantly spinning.

the letters of my textbooks rearrange themselves to spell out the names of what i need.

my teacher sounds like the adults from charlie brown.

my friends are just other blank souls drifting in this bleak oblivion we call life.

i dont call this life.

and still, even with everything so wrong thats going on.

I love my life.

because you are my life.

 

...

the other day was perfect. i wouldnt have traded it for the world.  it tears me apart that i didnt get to see you today. i miss you.
my dads fucked. hes getting more and more sick. We almost got in an accident today kuz he started puking while we were in the car.
i have dreams. messed up dreams. about you. about life. everything. come back into my life and make everything perfect again. at least for a minute

fuck this.

i pretty much got permission to do what ive wanted to do for a very long time. "march 13th, when your 16 i dont give a fuck where you are as long as ur not here" says my ever loving father.
4 long fucking months and then im fucking out of here.

its been a while.

alots gone down lately. i have a 32 average in school. fuck.
two nights ago was a fucking nightmare. pull back. connect.
"get up pussy! you think your a fucking man? get the fuck up and fight me"
stand up. wait. connection. stomach. down again.
no tears.
no tears.
no tears.
"get the fuck up you peice of shit, you punk!"
stand up. wait. connection. ribs. one more. ribs. down again.
spit hits the side of my face. i dont have enough left in me to even wipe it off. crawl into the bed in the corner of my one fucking bedroom apartment. no privacy. i lie there shaking.
the next day was amazing. i got to see you. thank god. for the few hours i got to see you i forgot about the pain, the bruises, the night before. it was just me and you and nothing else.
you save me from this fucking bullshit life im getting so sick of.
today im sore. it hurts when i breath. i needa get out. away. somewhere where i dont have to deal with this bullshit.
im making this vow to myself today. im gunna graduate highschool, and then get the fuck out. leave. i dont know where, but i sure as hell know that it isnt gunna be this shitty little one bedroom apartment filled to the brim of anger and a dad who thinks he understands but really doesnt.
it sure as hell isnt gunna be that bungalow with a drunk mom who acts like she cares about me when she really just cares about the next rich bald guy shes gunna bone and rob so she can buy more liquer.
hey mom, wheres all that fucking child support that should be going to me? sorry? you dont know where $2000 per month PER FUCKING KID went? and you still need the fucking money out of my fucking bank account? you steal money that i work for then you go in my fucking room and steal money that i owe? FUCK YOU!
im getting out. im getting out soon. come along? escape with me? i know your not enjoying home. dare i call it home? its a house. a shell protecting you from rain and cold. come with me. weel make a home. an asylum from the worlds sick corruption. a shelter from the bitter sweet taste of the human population. an eternity of existance in eachothers arms. save me. i need you to pull me out. im in deep and i need your help. we've already made it this far. give me some time and i promise i'll get better. we'll get better. light up the darkness of this bleak existance chilog. i promise, i'll make it worth your while. i love you.

im sorry

i want to be the one to put that beautiful smile on your face. i waited all day to just hold you and i fucked it up. im sorry. please just dont let me effect you negatively. forget about me. i hurt you to much and too often. im sick of upsetting you. it tears me apart. im not worth you being upset. smile chilog. i love you. dont let me any closer. i dont want to hurt you.