My computer doesnt let me write.

but i doubt you even check anymore.

3 Days In

And i remember why i can't live with either of my parents.
i love my dad but it seems hes just gotten worse.
we litterally got in an argument over me opening the car door into a snowdrift.
he went off.
"are you fucking retarded"
"what?"
"answer the question. are you fucking retarded?"
"i guess so dad."

"I hope everything gets better"
"No worries, im just another melodramatic teenager"
"Aren't we all?"
how right you are.
i feel bad saying this but i love studying the generic teenager. with their petty issues.
it makes me wish i could be bothered with failing a class or getting in a fight with a friend.
one thing on my mind.
drugs.
drugs.
drugs.
is that three things?

I'm so sick of my school.
everyones so loose.
i feel like everyone i associate with is like 10 years old except for the few friends who i trust.
why dont you like j?
because although hes immature like that, hes the one friend i have at my school beleive it or not, whos mind isnt always on drugs. the first question im asked by most of the others is do you have piff.
i need you to like him just like i need him to like you.

so much on my mind.
i wanna be a comedian.
i want to make people laugh on a daily basis.
i think im insane enough to be a comedian.
do you?
talking to myself.
ahaha shit. im crazy.
Come with me to the big time?
I promise I'll throw your name up in the lights beside mine.

I just cried.

And goddamn those tears were fucking refreshing.
Thank you.
And baby,
Even if you did go out,
And count every star imaginable,
The only one that really matters to me is my star.
Chilog.
The light of my life.
I love you.

trueee...drunk again.
classy mom.

pathetic.

i discust myself.
i found a card from my teacher at my expulsion program.
it said,
"Short term pain for long time gain. Be a two marshmellow kid."
he told me of a study done on children.
researchers gave multiple children a marshmellow.
the children were told that they were to be left alone in the room for 10 minutes.
those who waited to eat their marshmellow would receive a second one.
some children ate theirs right away. some waited a bit and then ate them. some danced or coloured or sang and waited it out.
The children were visited years later.
the children who waited were in most cases wealthy with many long term buissiness investments.
the children who ate their marshmellows were in 100% of the cases drugs addicts of the hopeless kind.
im sorry loyd. im not cut out to be a two marshmellow kid.

fuck

incoherent
misspelled
uninteresting
insecure
anti - climatic
cliche
boring
stupid
ramblings
of another angsty teenage with internet access

(get it? im cool because the pyramid is building down to anti - climatic.)

one more thing

i dont know why your mad. i had fun last night. you did too. too bad you cant remember. its understandable, but please, dont try to blame anything on me.

i guess ive got alot to think about.

Its pretty clear i've become insignifficant in the lives of most of the people i care about. cliche and expected but fuck 2010. i spent a year of my life fucking up. 4 months of it. perfect. no worries. the past little while, a little bit rocky but it was worth it. fuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
i wish you could just see me.
you see me deeper then anyone else.
just not deep enough.
you see how i feel,
you see what i want,
you see what i need
and you see how to help me.
i had a conversation with someone.
they said out of all superpowers, they would read minds.
think about it. minds are fucked. how many times do you think something you dont mean. its not like you can control what you think.
intentions. i told her i would rather read a persons intentions.
id rather be able to see what people want and desire out of their relationship with me.
i wish you could see my intentions. its definatly not what ive been showing.
i want us to be happy. i want you to be happy. i want the love i know i have for you to be easily seen and understood. alot has been going on in my life and im sorry i didnt tell you from the start.
the day before i met you, i found out my grandpa, my favourite person in the world was in the hospital. his liver exploded. he was there for 2 months and i was told he wasnt gunna live. he lives in the building beside jaclyn, and when i went to see her the other day i saw him. he looks so fragile. so broken. i ran up to him and hugged him. he doesnt remember who i am. thats why ive been distant. im sorry and i shouldnt have let my problems have effected you negatively. although you probably want no more of me, i need all of you.
every last bit. just to keep me sane. the next few weeks are gunna be hell for me. im terrified at the thought of failing. i dont wanna fail you again.
chilog. i call you that because your my star. my light in the darkness. my guide home. i love you with every bone in my body and for every other star in the sky, ill love you another day. lets make this year count.
i wanna go somewhere.